I started drinking at the age of 10 and didn't stop until I was 38. There were many times when Life said, "Hey, you need a wake-up call." Like being arrested for being drunk and disorderly in public and ending up in jail at the age of 19. Or going to work drunk and losing my job. Or getting into bar fights...the list goes on.  I was a slow learner and needed several of those wake-up calls over the years! When I had my first child at age 26, it was the first time I really thought deeply about my drinking. I said to myself, ‘Okay, this is it--drinking is off the table. I am dedicated to being a really good mom.’ And that was a wonderful thing for me because it really did put my drinking in to check for a long time. Alcohol slowly worked its way back into my life as I dealt with the stress of being a young, single mother of two. I would hide my drinking from them, thinking that if they didn't see me drink, then I was still being a good mom.  When I put them to bed at night, I would have mixed emotions of elation, because I could finally drink without hiding it, coupled with the shame that goes along with the disease of addiction. This went on for years and years--I knew underneath that I had a serious problem, but there was no way I was going to admit it.

I finally became physically and mentally really, really sick. My relationships were a mess—everyone was placed on the backburner--alcohol came first before anyone.  I was having a harder and harder time hiding and controlling it. I also had no real purpose in life. My only purpose at that time was to drink and then to nurse my hangovers. I tried to stop drinking so many times and I couldn't. I couldn't. I had no control. I suffered for a long time like this--being caught in a downward spiral of shame and remorse and being absolutely miserable. I finally got to the point where I couldn't take the misery anymore. Luckily, I was able to step outside of myself long enough to see the destruction I was causing to those around me. It was time to get help. 

Having a recovery community is so, so important. Just to be able to look at someone--not even say anything-- and know they have been in your shoes is huge. That feeling of immediately belonging and being part of something is so healing. People understand your struggle without judgment. The support that a recovery community offers is incredibly powerful. People want to help, because they've been there, and they've felt and gone through some of the same things.  It is probably one of the most inspiring things I have ever witnessed.

I had, I would say, 0.5% self-worth when I first got into recovery, but I had enough to want to change, and I think that's what it really comes down to-- just wanting to change, and allowing the smallest light to enter your life again. The stigma around substance use disorder really keeps us in the dark. But like Rumi says, "The wound is where the light enters." And so just having that one small little pinpoint of light, and of hope, saying, ‘all right, I'm going to try,’ that is worth so much. I had kids to live for, I had a family, I had a lot of things, but I knew that it had to start with myself, and nobody was going to be able to do the work for me. And so just making the decision to be like, "All right, I'm going to try just for today and see what happens." I just kept putting one step in front of the other in the beginning, and that is how I started my road to recovery.

I always tell people that there is no one size fits all when it comes to recovery. For me, recovery has been all about self-awareness. Learning what I like, what I don't like, and trying different things to find that spark of joy in life again. This has led me to discover and love who I really am. I kept that person stuffed away for a really long time, and recovery has taught me that I deserve to-- and am worthy of--shining my light in the world. 

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